What to Do When There’s No Toilet Paper in a Public Restroom

2022-06-25 07:29:42 By : Ms. Sofi Xue

Bodily functions are messy, and no matter how carefully you plan, your body will betray you at some point, forcing you to eliminate in public places you’d rather not eliminate in. In such a desperate situation, we may experience tunnel vision, not realizing the horror of an empty toilet paper dispenser until it is too late. Instead of descending into self-loathing, have an action plan. Here’s what to do when there’s no toilet paper in your bathroom stall.

If you’re alone in the restroom, the obvious first step is to check other stalls for supplies. If you’re not alone, call on the comity and love of your fellow humans. If there’s someone else in the restroom, swallow your pride and make a polite request for assistance. You might feel embarrassed, but we all have to move our bowels at some point, and it’s significantly better than the next few options we’re going to explore.

If there’s no one to get help from and no toilet paper available at all, your next step is to contemplate non-standard paper products:

Upgrade Your Style When you use our exclusive promo code ICON20 at checkout, you’ll get 20% off premium pairs from Persol, Oakley, Ray-Ban, and more, plus free shipping on your order as well.

Let’s say you’ve wandered into some sort of Mad Max restroom where there are no paper products at all—a wasteland of bacteria and shame. It’s time, then, to search for a hidden reservoir of paper on your person. Check your pockets and your wallet for anything—anything!—that could be used, such as:

Americans are weirdly anti-bidet, but even if you think using a stream of water to clean yourself after a poop is a vicious communist plot to weaken American resolve, in emergencies anything goes. If you happen to have a bottle of water on you, consider using it to clean up without paper. Water is pretty effective at this—which is why billions of people around the world use it instead of or in combination with toilet paper—so this could be an excellent choice. And the beginning of an exciting new frontier for you to explore.

Ah, we have arrived at the final circle of hell. You have been in the restroom for half an hour and have determined that no help is coming and no alternative supplies exist. You may suddenly be realizing you have pooped in a closet instead of an actual restroom. Whatever the reason, there is literally nothing to use as substitute toilet paper. Except, of course, your own clothing.

Yes, horrifying. But also! Better than the alternative, if only marginally. Your choices (in order of least horrifying to most horrifying) are:

One final note: Whatever you wind up using in this situation (with the exception of toilet seat covers), do not flush it down the toilet . Even paper products like paper towels or tissues shouldn’t be flushed, because they won’t disintegrate like toilet paper (tissues are designed to withstand explosive sneezes, after all, and persist for a long, clogging time in our sewer systems, for example). If you do have to resort to one of these desperate measures, steel yourself and walk the remnants to the garbage.